


Pure Fury

by mcrhomo



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Big Brother Mikey Way, Bipolar Disorder, Grief/Mourning, High School, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Religious Guilt, School Shootings, Siblings, Suicide Attempt, all the tags i was trying to find about siblings were abt incest, basically they show familial love but they do NOT fuck each other, this isnt ableist btw like a lot of mental hospital fics are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-03 14:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21181214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcrhomo/pseuds/mcrhomo
Summary: Gerard was angry at the world for soiling his life with violence and memories of it. He wondered why everything toppled down so quickly after the incident seven months ago.Bert was sure he would spend the rest of his teenage years in the hospital- he didn't mind. At least he didn't have to face his father.Frank thought he would never speak to his family again, just so he wouldn't be reminded.Ray knew he would never be able to love anyone openly.But an encounter on the street, a smashed phone, a quiet hour, and an early platonic promposal changed all of that.





	1. pressure.

Gerard was so empty. He was so filled with anger. 

Months and months after it happened he was still just a shell of a person. He wanted to fix that so bad, but he felt incapable. Incapable and worthless. He couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t take care of his responsibilities, yet he tried and tried and tried, but he always ended up crying. He dropped out of school months ago, and, as promised, his parents kicked him out for doing so. His brother Mikey was taking care of him. He wanted to get back on his feet, he felt like a piece of shit for taking Mikey’s money and time and space, but he couldn’t. His mind was fixated on that moment.

He was angry at the world for soiling his life with violence and memories of it. If he felt emotion at all, he felt anger. He wondered why it was so easy to commit to life and being a person before that incident. He wondered why everything toppled down afterwards. 

He was sure he would never get better. That was, until he met Frank. 

\------

Gerard was so, so close to rock bottom. He was walking on the sidewalk next to his favorite street, the one that had all of the shops he and Mikey used to wreak havoc in when they were kids. He wished he could still enjoy those shops, and he tries, but nothing is the same. Nothing. 

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and he pulled it out and saw the number. It was his pretty much only friend, Ray, who was still in school, still doing well. He answered it.

“Hello?”

“Gerard. I haven’t checked in on you in a while, how are you doing?”

“I’m uh, well I’m-”

At that moment he bumped into a man walking opposite from him. Said man looked like a giant ass, and he very well proved it by proceeding to scream at Gerard and curse him out. Everything that Ray was saying and that asshole man was saying and all the noises of the busy street. started to blend together and beat down on him, pressure pressure pressure compressing his brain. 

“Hey! You need to watch where you’re-” pressure pressure pressure “Gerard? Hello? Can you-” pressure pressure pressure “-going! We can’t have hobos on the phone just going and bumping into-” pressure pressure pressure “-hear me? Gerard, are you o-” pressure pressure.

Gerard felt pure fury overtake his entire body. He looked at his phone in his shaking hand for a moment, then smashed it on the ground. He grabbed at his temples and started sobbing. 

The asshole man knew that this was his time to go away, so he stepped behind Gerard as he sat down on the curb and shook. 

A small crowd gathered around him. “Is he okay?” “Should I call the police?”

A boy whose features Gerard could not make out came towards him. “Hey. I’m going to need you to take a deep breath.”

Gerard was in shambles. He shakily took deep breaths but they quickly collapsed into sobs. 

“Okay. Deep deep breaths. Would it be okay if I sat down next to you?”

Gerard nodded. 

The boy sat down next to Gerard. “Okay, I’m not going to ask you to talk about it. I can tell you don’t want to. I’m not touching you right now, but if I did, would that be okay?”

“I don’t kn- I don’t know.”

“Okay, that’s okay.” His voice was comfortingly gentle. “Would it be okay if I put my hand on your shoulder?”

Gerard nodded, this time more controlled than he did it before. 

“Okay. I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder now.” He rested his hand on Gerard’s shoulder. Gerard didn’t really react. He was almost fully calm now. 

“My name’s Frank. Is there anyone I can call for you?”

Gerard immediately collapsed into tears again. “I don’t want Mikey to see me like this,” he said in his high pitched crying voice. 

Frank quickly pulled his hand back. He took a huff. “Okay, okay. Okay. Would you like to go to my house until you’ve calmed down?”

“Would that- would that really be okay?”

“It’s gotta be. All I’ve said is okay.”


	2. nightmares.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard's mind is flooded with memories.

“I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this.” Gerard and Frank were sitting at a kitchen bar holding cups of hot tea. They weren’t exactly drinking it, it was more like something that grounded them to reality, something to make their conversation more human. 

“You will.” Frank said. 

“How do you know?” These words weren’t malicious, they were a genuine question. Frank sounded so sure when he said what he said. 

“You just will. I promise.”

An hour or so later, Gerard took the city bus to his neighborhood. Mikey was right next to the window. He had been trying to call Gerard since he broke his phone, and he wasn’t picking up, for reasons stated before.

Mikey started when Gerard walked into the apartment. “Gerard! Where have you been? I’ve tried to call you, and-”

“I broke my phone.”

“What?”

“I broke my phone, Mikey. Because I can’t do anything right.”

He walked to his room. He didn’t storm, or run, he just walked. 

\------

That night, Gerard had a nightmare.

He was in the school stairwell, except it went up and down in both directions and had a weird tint of blue to it. He remembered that stairwell so well, TOO well. The stairwell only led to one room, the room of Mr. Wouters, the French/Living Law teacher. He remembered that room so well, TOO well. 

Kids his age went up the stairs, but they disappeared and never came down. Probably a metaphor. 

Gerard was bringing things from a bin in the stairwell to the back counter in Mr. Wouters’ room. He wasn’t sure what the things were, they weren’t exactly tangible.

Everything was blue. The bin had neon blue lights around it.

  
  


He bent down to get one of the things from the bin, when a girl named Madison, the girl who in real life couldn’t find a good enough hiding space, said something to him. 

“Where will you be when it happens? What will you remember?”

And then he heard gunshots. 

That was the moment Gerard woke up, and everything flooded back to him. 

The first two gunshots in the stairwell. 

The couch in Mr. Wouters’ class. 

Mr. Wouters’, the teacher who hated everyone and who everyone hated, telling everyone that he would meet his end today and it was okay because he would die protecting the people he loved so much and who he thought of as the children he would never have. 

Madison, who took shelter under a desk and was the first one to die. 

Hearing his peers die and trying not to scream. 

His parents coming to the school and searching everywhere for him, thinking he was dead when in reality he was too terrified to move. 

Mikey thinking he had lost his little brother, coming into every classroom and yelling Gerard’s name.

Hearing Mikey scream his name and finally collapsing to where he was hiccupping, sobbing, crying Mikey’s name. 

Mikey unfolding the couch and squeezing his brother tight for at least five minutes, because he thought he had lost his little brother forever. 

Coming back to school after a month, and not even going in that stairwell. Not even going in the hallway that the French classroom is on. 

Not being able to handle his emotional state, becoming a high school burnout because of his trauma. 

He felt all the fear of that day in one flush of emotion. He was so, so done with everything.

He was done with life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) thingz r comin...


	3. so long-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard says goodbye.
> 
> *** TW: SUICIDE ATTEMPT & DISCUSSION ***

It was eleven at night in the dim New Jersey city, and Gerard was staring at Mikey’s phone. He had typed in a number, the number Frank had given him when he left the day before. He figured there were only three people who needed to know from him directly what was going to happen, Mikey, Ray, and Frank. He had left a note in his room for Mikey, had emailed Ray, but there was only one way to get to Frank.

He would rather not have had to call Frank to tell him, but, as said before, there was only one way to contact him. 

He hit the dial button.

It rung exactly three times before Frank picked up, “Hello?” he sounded groggy, but Gerard couldn’t tell if that was it being eleven at night or the bad phone service. 

“Frank.”

“Gerard? It’s eleven PM. I have to get sleep for an exam, can we talk tomorrow?”

“No, we can’t talk tomorrow.”

“Okay, uh, what’s up?”

“It’s April 1st, 2019, and it’s windy by the Passaic.”

“Ge-”

“My birthday is in eight days and I’m going to be seventeen, I think. I’m smoking my very last cigarette. I’m quitting for good tonight, and I won’t be relapsing ever, I promise.”

“I don’t understand. Why couldn’t this have waited till morning?”

“I won’t be able to talk tomorrow, because tomorrow, I’ll be dead!” Gerard sounded ecstatic. 

“Gerard..? You’re not saying you’re-”

“Oh, but I am, Frank. I am.” He started laughing, something he hasn’t done in a very long time. “I’m going to drown myself, tonight, in the Passaic.”

“You can’t, please.”

“No, no, you don’t understand, you don’t understand.” Gerard was grinning like a madman. “My mind...will finally be at peace. I won’t have to think about that day anymore. I won’t be angry, I won’t be overwhelmed, because I won’t exist!”

“I’m coming over there.” 

“The Passaic is very long, Frank. And if you do find me, somehow?...” his voice changed into a growl. “...you won’t interfere.”

“I made a promise to you, Gerard. I don’t break promises.”

Gerard’s voice started to turn into a careless yell. “This is my way of getting through it! I’m a coward! I’m pathetic! I’m just going to run away, forever!”

Frank started crying. “You can’t do that, Gerard! I can help you! You can ask for help! It’s not a bad thing!” 

“It’s too late now, I’ve made promises. I’ve made promises to myself, and I also don’t break promises.”

“This is how I lost my dad, Gerard. Even if you think it’s worth it, it won’t be because it’ll deeply scar the people around you. That thing that happened to you, I don’t know what it is but you killing yourself will be the same thing for them as it was to you.”

Gerard squinted through his tears. “Listen here. They won’t have to hear their classmates die. They won’t have to hold their breath so that he won’t hear them. They won’t have to know that their family thought they were dead. They won’t have to constrict their body in a way that keeps them alive. They won’t have to live with survivor’s guilt.” 

“Gerard, I’m so sorry, but you can’t-”

“I’ll say hi to your dad for you.” Gerard hung up Mikey’s phone. 

He stared at the rushing water, before leaping over the railing of the cliff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry.


	4. -and goodnight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret is something everyone feels at least once in their life.

He hit the water and it was cold, it was so cold. That was the first thing he noticed. He also noticed it was dark. He floated there for a moment and he began to feel pressure on his lungs, but it wasn’t like the bad pressure that caused him to smash his phone the other day, it was good pressure. His vision, which was dark, but he could make out a few things, began to turn yellow. He felt a wave of calm wash over him. This was death.

Death. Such a funny statement, that he would be dying here, by his own hand, eight days before he turned seventeen. 

He would be dying at sixteen. That was sad. 

But then again, who did he have to live for? 

Well, he had Mikey. Mikey, who gave everything for him. Mikey, who paid for everything since Mom and Dad kicked him out. Mikey, who loved him so much. Mikey, who called out Gerard’s name sometimes because he was still afraid Gerard was gone, that he had died that day at school.

What would Mikey think when Gerard was gone? What would he feel when he called out Gerard’s name and didn’t get an answer?

He didn’t think about them much, but he had Mom and Dad. They would be devastated when they found out he killed himself. They would blame themselves. You know, for kicking him out. 

He had Ray, who taught him how to play guitar when they were eight, maybe nine. Ray, who called every week or so to check in on Gerard. Ray, who protected Gerard when there were people being mean to him. 

He had Frank, who he had only met two days ago, but still, Frank saw him on the street and cared enough about him to make sure he was okay. Frank, who cried and begged for him to stay alive just a few minutes ago. 

He had the kids who died that day. He was the only one in that room who survived. How tragic would it be if the one survivor died at his own hands? 

He needed to live, if not for him, for them.

  
What was he thinking? He couldn’t kill himself.

He tried to paddle his way to shore but it was dark and he couldn’t breathe and he wasn’t quite sure where he was. He tried to lift his head above the water but he couldn’t, he still breathed in, though, and got a nice big breath of water. 

He lifted his head above the water, finally, and got a little air in. He struggled and struggled and struggled until finally his body gave out. Everything went a real nice shade of dark. Nice, carefree, oblivious dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i can get better at some point. i hope i never have to feel this kind of regret. i feel empty and angry just like the gerard ive written and theres a certain type of melancholy, knowing ill never ever feel like my past self again even if i do get better. im tired tired tired of being in my mind and im tired tired tired in general too. i have to take sedatives to stop myself from hurting myself and other people isnt that sad? isnt that sad that im barely a teenager and i have to wonder how much longer before i can be sane again? how much longer before my mind can be at peace? im filled with flame and void and i dont know how much longer i can do this. this story was supposed to be an outlet, something that would let me vent and get it all out. 
> 
> all that it's really doing is making me more aware of my options.


	5. like every morning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey is the second to find out.

Mikey woke up that morning at five, like every morning. He made coffee, like every morning. He looked out of the window and noted that it was still dark like...most mornings. He sat down at the kitchen table, like every morning, and drank his coffee, like every morning.

He realized that he didn’t have his phone. Gerard must have taken it to call Ray or something. He’ll get it back when he wakes him up. 

He gently knocked on Gerard’s door before entering the room. He was surprised to not find him there, but he saw a note on his bed. It read:

_ It’s seven in the evening on April first of 2019. The sun is still in the sky, but it would be setting if it were November or something like that. My birthday is in eight days and I would have been one year closer to being an adult. I haven’t bothered eating today, because it won’t matter in the end.  _

_ I’m documenting everything that happens today because it will be my last day. My life will end here, and brother, you do not know how happy I am about it.  _

_ Since October of last year I’ve been in so much pain. My life is a constant state of overwhelm and I’m sick and tired of not being able to function. All I feel is anger, and you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to have a broken brother that you have to take care of.  _

_ I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye in person, but I know for sure you would’ve stopped me. You’re probably reading this after I’ve gone, so here’s to a bittersweet goodbye from your brother’s past self, who now doesn’t exist. Who now is a corpse floating in the Passaic.  _

_ I’ll finally get to rest, Mikey. I haven’t gotten to rest for seven months, and this is my chance, even if it is forever.  _

_ Tell Mom and Dad I love them. Know that I love you and I appreciate you and all that you’ve done for me. You’re the best big brother I could ask for, and I’m sorry this is goodbye. _

_ So long and goodnight, _

_ Gerard _

Mikey noticed that his hands were shaking, holding the note. Tears were beginning to fall on the sketchbook paper, and he walked out of the door, mentally paralyzed. He leaned back on the wall behind him and slid into a sitting position. 

He curled up as he began to remember. 

\------

He was sitting at his office at work and he got a call on his cell phone from his mom. He declined it, as he wasn’t allowed to answer calls in the building, but she kept calling. 

He eventually walked outside and called her back.

She was crying.

“Mom, mom, what’s wrong?”

“Gerard’s school, somebody brought a gun into-into the school and-and….” She trailed off.

“And?”

“And people died, Michael! And we’re going over there now because...because Gerard didn’t show up in the people who survived.”

_No...NO!_, he thought. He said goodbye to his mom and hung up the phone. He didn’t even think to talk to his boss before he left, he got in his car and went to the school.

When he got there, there were paramedics there, and there were police at the door. 

Mikey tried to push his way into the school, but he was stopped.

“Please….please, my little brother is in there and nobody knows if he’s dead or alive. I’m going to find him, please, please, I have to find him.”

The officer seemed to understand and let Mikey through. He yelled Gerard’s name up and down the hallways. He went into the classrooms and searched. 

He did it in the stairwells, he went upstairs and hoped, prayed, even, that he would get an answer. 

He knew Gerard didn’t have French or Living Law, but he cried his name in that room anyway, and didn’t get an answer.

Disappointed and deranged, he started walking to the next room, when he heard Gerard cry Mikey’s name back.

Mikey didn’t know where Gerard was in the room, he checked the cabinets and the teacher’s desk and the closets, but hearing Gerard cry like that and not being able to find him was the most heart wrenching thing.

He realized the voice was coming from the couch. 

The couch? 

He took the cushions off and noticed a bar, it was a folding couch! “Gerard, you genius, you genius.”

He unfolded it completely and wrapped his arms around Gerard and Gerard wrapped his arms around Mikey too. They sobbed into each other’s shoulders for a long time because neither of them wanted to let go.

“Gerard, oh my god. I love you, I love you. Thank you, thank you. Oh my god.”

Gerard didn’t speak, which was totally understandable. 

They sat there, in the warmth of each other protecting them from the cold of the incident before. “I love you,” Gerard managed to whisper.

\------

Mikey couldn’t believe that he had really lost his brother this time. No, he didn’t believe.

Deep down, he knew that something must’ve come up.

Death can pry Gerard from Mikey’s cold, dead hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been writing this fanfic so much its now hard to imagine mikey as a little brother lolz


	6. an answer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank finds his grail. Mikey gets an answer.

Frank didn’t sleep that night. He also didn’t go to school that morning. He didn’t know what to do. Gerard was going to kill himself, or he already did. 

Even if he did only meet Gerard two days ago, he wasn’t going to lose someone else. 

That night, at about three in the morning, he called the police. They said they couldn’t do anything, so he went out by the Passaic with a flashlight and hoped for the best. 

An hour or two into looking, he still hadn’t found a person- or a corpse. 

He sat down behind the railing and traced his fingers through the earth that was getting increasingly damp with every lap of the water. There was something so serenely beautiful about the scene, despite the situation that brought him there. The city lights that never die or feel pain, not like the fragile human soul. Frank couldn’t help but think, is emotion a weakness…or is it a strength? 

If he had never felt, he wouldn’t be here. But isn’t it better to feel and save a human life?

Who was he kidding- he didn’t save anyone. Gerard was dead. If he was alive then Frank would’ve known somehow. 

He brought his knees to his chest and cried silently.  _ I’m so, so tired of losing people.  _

He put his hands at his sides and one of them touched something kind of...wet? It wasn’t mud, though, he picked it up to examine it. A single cigarette butt.

A single cigarette butt.

It kind of clicked inside his brain: Gerard was smoking a cigarette when he called Frank. 

If it were anyone else’s cigarette, it would’ve been in the river by now. 

Frank rushed to stand up and shined his flashlight as he walked the bank until he found something that shone back. It was a phone. He picked it up and saw all the missed calls from his own number. He was filled with ecstasy- and dread.

He shined his flashlight at the bank closer to the river. He finally made it to his grail.

Gerard.

\------

Mikey wanted to call the police, but he didn’t have his phone. Gerard had it, and Gerard was probably dead.

Mikey clapped his hand over his mouth. _Oh my god_, he thought. _Oh my god. _

_ My little brother is probably dead.  _

He was aware that Gerard had committed- no no, attempted- suicide, but he never really connected that with Gerard being dead. 

_Dead, dead, dead, dead_. That’s all that circled through Mikey’s mind. That, and _I need to find him._

He left the house and walked some while down the street to the payphone, the same word still floating through his thoughts. He called the police first, but they said the same thing to him as they said to Frank. 

In an act of desperation, he put another fifty cents into the machine, and dialed his own number. 

The last thing he expected was an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only winners upload a chapter two minutes before they get their computer taken away

**Author's Note:**

> aahh tell me how u liked it!! im sry for not being active, school stuff mental stuff bla bla bla


End file.
